images of a physical reality

It occurs to me that I’m very tired. I really am pushing myself more than I realise. I believe it’s the after-effects bearing its toll onto me. I’m beginning to think that I’m taking Chinese New Year as an excuse to drink, a lot. In the span of a week, I’ve drank more than I did last year. But then again, I never really drank that much last year. Strangely enough though, I still haven’t gotten any drunk. I think I’m drinking consistently but not OD-ing in one single sitting. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing but I know my liver is crying now.

Sleep has eluded me as well. As of this moment, I’m dying for some rest. But yet, I can’t really sleep. My whole body is at an imbalance once again. I’m practically in a mild intoxicated stupor at work yet my body resists doing much about it other than to keep on functioning. I can tell that a part of me doesn’t want to sleep because when I sleep, I’ll think too much and at times they even turn into nightmares. And really, my nightmares have no scary monsters nor my life ending in any particular fashion. I think this requires some getting used to.

Really, I do believe that all it requires is one phone call to solve. But then again, when it’s not forthcoming, there’s nothing much I can really do other than just walk along this path till I find a proper solution. It’s one thing to be able to deal with it logically, it’s another to solve it emotionally. As I always say, doesn’t mean when one understands, one doesn’t feel the other way. It’s all part of being human. For me, I keep telling myself that I understand (when I don’t) but emotionally, I can’t forget neither can I let it go easy. I don’t even know what I’m letting go off. I’m in a constant state of confusion at the moment. The only thing I can do is try not to think about it but it doesn’t always work and I crack every now and then.

I guess this is what makes a human well, human. The constant hurdle of emotions we have to deal with makes or breaks us. Yikes, it’s difficult to even have emotions at times. Wouldn’t it be great if we had like this great on-off switch that we could flick everytime we needed to be emotionless. Believe me, it would solve a lot of problems. I really do need that switch right now. I mean, seriously. I think I’m getting a fever.

Have you ever took time to actually think how it feels like when you’re feeling really sad? For me, it has become such a frequent occurence that I can actually describe how it physically effects me. One is where I feel like I’m losing all the air in my lungs and the centre of my chest begins to feel like it’s completely crushed inwards. Another is where my stomach feels totally weird and I feel like I’m going to be sick if it continues. Not pleasant to be sure. The last for me is where my body totally loses its function and I can’t focus on anything. In fact, during this time, I stand losing my temper over everything and I feel like either sinking direct at the spot where I am or even destroying something depending on my mood. Of all, I hate the third the most because I really can get into a rage and not give a damn shyt about anything. Hell, I once totally slumped at my seat and I did all I could to just remain upright at the office. Talk about being weird man. But the rage thing scares me really. Totally unlike my nature. Or rather, it may have been a hidden nature of mine which has only been fully unleashed over the last few years. It hasn’t been a very decent few years.

Sigh, I’m just moaning online and at times, I say all the wrong things as well. But I guess it’s better than ranting over and over again in real life. Oh, and I think I’m getting that weird stomach feeling again…

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 5th, 2006 at 10:44 pm and is filed under Weblogs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.