images of a physical reality

Sometimes I wonder if I actually act my age. I whine, moan and bitch like an 18 year old and yet at other times, I act like I’m 30. Somehow, I don’t think I am very right in the head. Hopefully though, I come off as me, myself and I. Yes, you can sing Beyonce now.

I reflect on the people I hang out with lately and realise that much of the people I meet are usually much older than I am. It’s great because these people have a wealth of knowledge to impart and I for one is never adverse to new knowledge. I am where I am today because I absorbed as much external knowledge as I possibly could and I realise I have so much more to develop and achieve. Hopefully, one day I’ll be one of the wise ones partaking useful wisdom to those who may (or may not) need it. I hope then I’m not talking a bunch of shyt but I actually know what I’m talking about as well.

What struck me was that everyone more or less experiences many of the same emotions and problems that I do regardless of age. The difference is how they actually take the problem or they’ve already passed that stage in life and they’re at a very different place at the moment. But it also shows that in essence, we humans are all the same regardless of our age. Age is only a deterring factor if you let it be. Some people wonder why I’m sitting at a table with a bunch of late twenties and even many retirees. Or, how I’m able to. I’m hanging out with some people my dad’s age or even at times older and I can speak to them in ways that I can’t speak to my dad. Their positions in my life is very different naturally but it does strike me as odd sometimes that I’m having a decent normal conversation like how I do with my friends with someone my dad’s age. However, I’m happy that I am able to do so and these people accept me as an individual regardless of my age. That in itself is something that not many people get to experience in their lives and I’m glad I had the chance.

I do wonder how it’s like to ‘act our age’. I never really know. I’m a kid one day and an adult the next. I’m talking about business ideas and plans to people while carrying a Game Boy Micro in my waist bag. I’m writing industry news and events one minute and talking about that latest game the next. I can talk all about practicality of purchases and be totally irrational the next minute. I’ve grown up beyond what is expected of my age yet at the same time I’m the most immature 23 year old you can find as well. I guess I do practice what I preach where everything has its proper time and place.

My current state sees me trying to do too many things at one time. I’m only one person but I try to do like three to four things at the same time which tends to become messy somewhat. Besides my full-time job, I’m selling cameras online (to get by, not really profitable), developing on a business idea, gathering contacts for the business and freelance photography (when I’m able) all the while trying to find more times to spend with my family and friends. The idea of a relationship is definitely strongly in my mind but the thought also frightens me at the same time. I’m not adverse to the idea but I guess I’m becoming a little bit paranoid at being burned again. But I’m surprised at how I’ve dealt with situations of late. Sure, I’ve probably lost it a couple of times and I’ve gotten pissed to an incredible peak but somehow I’ve managed to maintain my sanity and gain control of myself in a rather short period of time. I strongly believe that it’s due to my lack of time that I choose to cherish every minute of life instead of being sad and depressed about it. Although my posts may not show it as much, but then again I post more frequently when I’m in that state. I guess when it comes to relationships, I’ll just let nature take its path. After all, I don’t know how to accelerate such a thing, I can only be me. If it happens, it happens. Making strong efforts haven’t really paid off as much as my laidback efforts anyway so I guess doing less produces more results for me. It’s a very confusing concept for me to grasp but what the heck, I’m throwing reason out the window.

I’v never considered myself much of a writer. In fact, writing was never one of my stronger points since the day I met me but somehow, writing blogs and writing in my magazine has unlocked this part of me that I never knew existed. Ever since the day I decided to venture into photography, that creative part of me that was lying dormant chose to appear in full force. At times I even find it difficult to balance these two sides within me. But I’m glad it surfaced nonetheless. I may not be a good writer (I think I have a looong way to go) but it would make me feel all giddy if someone thought I was. Strange, I never needed anyone to recognize me for any creative talents before. When I don’t express photographically, I write. All the while balancing the more realistic and practical side of me. I have found myself.

On a lighter note, I’ve just watched the latest episode of American Idol before leaving the office today. My favourites are the bald rocker dude (who’s married to that older woman with a kid and has that great recording voice), the Taylor who’squite a Hick (Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder prodigy), the Pickler from Texas (yes, the crybaby), the raspy French place (who sings totally different than how she speaks), the other 16 year old girl (who reminds me of a young Mariah Carey with that curly hair of hers) and the one who kisses all three judges on the lips (man, she’s kinda cute). I’m betting than one of these few will be the next American Idol. Let’s see if I’m right in a few months time. Why am i saying this? I don’t know, I just felt like it. Support to the ones with talent.

For those of you who want to see my newer pictures, head over to georgewongtzewen.deviantart.com. I’ve just uploaded some of my newer stuff there and I find it’s gallery system better than Friendster’s quite frankly. From now on, any photography related images and journals would be placed there instead.

The eventless and stressful month has not done much to ease the burden I feel from within. Things have become more meaningless and tiring that I just want to go somewhere else for good. I need to look for some good distractions or at best, an environmental change. I mean, a drastic change. The only positives is that my career plans seem to be working and I’ve so far managed to maintain consistency in my exercise area. That just leaves my piano resolution undone which I will partake only next month as I’m still waiting to see if I get that offer I am looking for.

I think my problem is that I just care too friggin’ much. Wouldn’t it be just easier to be an unfeeling jerk and do whatever I felt was best for myself. I can keep on complaining about my nature and it wouldn’t do a damn thing for myself. At the end of the day, like it or not, I’ll still keep on doing the things I do and eventually the biggest loser would be me. Nan ren pu huai, nu ren pu ai eh? Apparently, nice guys do finish last no matter how much I try to fight that stereotype. After all, I haven’t won anything now have I?

I guess it’s just the season. Or, just the situation that I’m faced with. Or sentimental bullshit that I listen to sometimes. I’m getting old. Transitional periods are always difficult, as what you can see with Arsenal at the moment. A guy can’t even catch a break man. You would think that at least my favourite team would be at least doing as well as they did last season but I guess they had to go down with me. Who knows, a miracle turnaround could occur but right now, we haven’t got a prayer. It’s hard to look at a half-full glass all the time and my online rants a proof that I’m only optimistic in real life and in public but currently going through a negative state. Where the heck did all that confidence of mine gone to? Have I really been that affected by all the prior proceedings that I am unable to clamber up all on my own? Have I really become this lame complaining fuck that I can’t even make something for myself? Have all my self-belief gone out the window just because I had a string of bad luck and probably heartache to go along with it?

Someone commented that I was facing a serious disease called heart affliction. Apparently I am. Rather, a person devoid of love at the moment would function better and achieve more. Maybe that’s a route I could follow although it seems rather unnatural at the moment. A life of seriousness is BORING. I think it’s all about striking a right balance which is something I’m not very attuned to at the moment. Or I’m just plain lazy and I’m blaming everything other than myself. Nonetheless, for now, I shall remain hopeful, or so I want myself to believe anyway. Being naive sometimes is fun.

I believe many would have perceived something quite different based on my title. But in actual fact, I’m referring to all the flak that I received from my previous ‘emo’ posts. Surprisingly enough, I didn’t get as much flak as I would have expected. Hopefully, people don’t think any less of me and people that matter I know definitely won’t at the very least. Still, I’ve never much given too much attention to negativity towards me. There definitely is someone out there who would love to make our lives miserable no matter who you are. That’s just life and I definitely have a lot more to deal with than to give a flying gondola about how they feel about me. And don’t ask me about the flying gondola.

Currently, I still lack of sleep but this time from friggin’ insomnia. Seriously, why do I get all this insane problems with my health. I used to be like a perfect person, health wise. Admittedly, I’m on the skinny side but at least that’s coming around over the last few years. It’s a chore going to sleep now and unlike other people who have noses that like to run away from them, my nose is incredibly dry that I have to literally soak my nose at times to make me feel more comfortable. I need to marry a doctor in future.

I’m gonna be heading down to the land where they have that statue of a mermaid lion. I wonder what mermaid thought lions were sexy. Do be fairly honest, I’m not entirely sure why I’m going down there but I guess it’s a good idea to get some R&R after these few weeks. Not like I’ve been doing anything of importance though, I’ve been basically bumming around in the office this entire week. I sooo know that next week, I’ll be swamped with work.

Thankfully, I’ve gotten back to my schedule that I made on New Year’s Eve. Only thing that I’m not working on at the moment is them piano lessons. I shall wait for news on further developments involving my future before committing to a piano class. Depending on where I end up at, I’ll be going for classes nearest to where I’m working. Will know in a months time so fingers crossed, ladies and gentlemen. Well, at least I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of sticking myself to the right track rather than deviating like I normally would. Let’s see how long I can keep this up.

Ahhh… actually I was just bored. See you guys in a few days…

It occurs to me that I’m very tired. I really am pushing myself more than I realise. I believe it’s the after-effects bearing its toll onto me. I’m beginning to think that I’m taking Chinese New Year as an excuse to drink, a lot. In the span of a week, I’ve drank more than I did last year. But then again, I never really drank that much last year. Strangely enough though, I still haven’t gotten any drunk. I think I’m drinking consistently but not OD-ing in one single sitting. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing but I know my liver is crying now.

Sleep has eluded me as well. As of this moment, I’m dying for some rest. But yet, I can’t really sleep. My whole body is at an imbalance once again. I’m practically in a mild intoxicated stupor at work yet my body resists doing much about it other than to keep on functioning. I can tell that a part of me doesn’t want to sleep because when I sleep, I’ll think too much and at times they even turn into nightmares. And really, my nightmares have no scary monsters nor my life ending in any particular fashion. I think this requires some getting used to.

Really, I do believe that all it requires is one phone call to solve. But then again, when it’s not forthcoming, there’s nothing much I can really do other than just walk along this path till I find a proper solution. It’s one thing to be able to deal with it logically, it’s another to solve it emotionally. As I always say, doesn’t mean when one understands, one doesn’t feel the other way. It’s all part of being human. For me, I keep telling myself that I understand (when I don’t) but emotionally, I can’t forget neither can I let it go easy. I don’t even know what I’m letting go off. I’m in a constant state of confusion at the moment. The only thing I can do is try not to think about it but it doesn’t always work and I crack every now and then.

I guess this is what makes a human well, human. The constant hurdle of emotions we have to deal with makes or breaks us. Yikes, it’s difficult to even have emotions at times. Wouldn’t it be great if we had like this great on-off switch that we could flick everytime we needed to be emotionless. Believe me, it would solve a lot of problems. I really do need that switch right now. I mean, seriously. I think I’m getting a fever.

Have you ever took time to actually think how it feels like when you’re feeling really sad? For me, it has become such a frequent occurence that I can actually describe how it physically effects me. One is where I feel like I’m losing all the air in my lungs and the centre of my chest begins to feel like it’s completely crushed inwards. Another is where my stomach feels totally weird and I feel like I’m going to be sick if it continues. Not pleasant to be sure. The last for me is where my body totally loses its function and I can’t focus on anything. In fact, during this time, I stand losing my temper over everything and I feel like either sinking direct at the spot where I am or even destroying something depending on my mood. Of all, I hate the third the most because I really can get into a rage and not give a damn shyt about anything. Hell, I once totally slumped at my seat and I did all I could to just remain upright at the office. Talk about being weird man. But the rage thing scares me really. Totally unlike my nature. Or rather, it may have been a hidden nature of mine which has only been fully unleashed over the last few years. It hasn’t been a very decent few years.

Sigh, I’m just moaning online and at times, I say all the wrong things as well. But I guess it’s better than ranting over and over again in real life. Oh, and I think I’m getting that weird stomach feeling again…

Happy Chinese New Year to all those friends of mine celebrating this festive season. I sure hope that you all enjoyed it MUCH more than I have. I won’t deny that I considered my New Year fairly average. Still, what’s Malaysia without the typical annoying pedophilic chinese songs, insensitive ‘ang pow’ hungry droves of kids and irritating cheek-pinching relatives. Can’t say I’m enjoying it very much. But hey, it ain’t all that bad… sometimes.

I’m all fine and dandy that we Malaysians get in the mood every year to celebrate this one festive season. Red is the color of the day and anything simple and subdued like white and black is frowned upon. Thank God I keep a few handy red shirts around just for this reason. I’ve got nothing against red but having to wear them because I have to just annoys me really. It’s hard finding pants that match when I just like wearing jeans. Naturally, I give up after my first try.

One thing that bugs me is that we seem to be losing the actual meaning of this festive occasion. I always thought that Chinese New Year was a season where relatives get together to foster stronger ties with one another. Instead, as I get older, I see it for what it really is. ‘Ang pows’ are basically bribes to entice people to visit one another and visiting relatives have become more of a chore than anything else. If it wasn’t for the customary red packets and the constant indulgence of the various delicacies that mysteriously manifest during the new year, I can’t see why anyone would happily want to go visit their relatives. Take the massive jam that people have to encounter. My cousin-in-law (is there even such a term?) took 5 hours to reach his parents house at would normally would have taken 1 measly hour the very most in a normal day. It’s nuts. I can practically imagine the hungry looks on those driver’s faces anticipating the number of red packets that they can stuff into their pockets and food that they can stuff into their faces. It sickens me really.

Instead, for me, I chose to do otherwise and honestly try to relish in the whole part of togetherness of this occasion. The money was enticing but I kept on mustering my energy to focus on family. Boy did it take a lot of beers to drown out the feeling. This is what happens to us. Conditioning I believe some call it. We’ve been conditioned since the day we could walk that during Chinese New Year, red packets were our divine right to obtain and no one is supposed to deny us that right. Ever. To deny myself was to go against every fibre of my being. I wanted to look away from them and treat them like they were nothing. I persisted and strangely enough, I succeeded. For the first time in many years, I did not care how many packets did I receive nor did I count the money immediately after. I just chucked it all in my little safe thingamajig and went on about spending time with the family. It was a different feeling and for once, I was actually around to be with them instead of doing something else. Even when my friends came about for a few beers, with did that in the confines of my home and actually talking instead of being stone drunk for once. It’s either that or my constitution towards beer has increased significantly over the last few days.

To be honest, the last few days haven’t been too great for me emotionally. I’m coping well to be sure but there’s always a feeling that I have something unfinished which unfortunately for me, nothing much I can do about. It really takes two hands to clap and I’m never one to be afraid of confrontation and facing the truth. The truth hurts many say but to be lied to or ignored hurts so much more. It wouldn’t have been so bad for me if not for being reminded of her and her presence everywhere I look and everyone I speak to. It’s nuts. Can’t a man get a moment of peace? I realised that to avoid further annoyance to my feeble brain, I’ve been sleeping 12 hour stretches throughout the holidays. Sad to say, I’ve gotta work tomorrow but I can sense a whole lot of procrastinating to happen over the next two days. If all goes well for me, at least one part of my life would be fantastic in the coming months. In terms of love, I guess that I can let nature take it’s course. After all, amazing things happen when you least expect it and quite frankly I expect nothing anymore. To receive something would be a huge bonus in my life today.