images of a physical reality

I’ve never known a silent Christmas like this one. Losing most of my vocal capability is not fun. Not like I can’t speak, it just hurts too bloody much just to say a few words. Swallowing takes a lot of painful effort. Not to mention the mental strain resisting the fantastic Christmas turkey placed before me at the dinner table tonight. Wow, I’ve never felt more deprived.

Gladly, my presents this year seemed to please most and I got the most wonderful present from Stephanie in the form of a photography book. Most beautiful thing I’ve ever looked through, always wanted one as a source of inspiration for my personal work. Thank you so greatly, that’s also like the only present I received thus far but undoubtedly one of my favourites over the years. It has taken a place beside my bed for easy access whenever I want to have a look at it. I heard that she liked her present too which made it a Christmas worthwhile remembering. My parents loved their presents too and even dropped me a thank you note which has NEVER happened in my lifetime before. I guess I’m going out of 2005 on a positive note although I can’t even squek to save my life.

Being bedridden most of the week, it got me thinking more than ever. But I was thinking about Christmas and how much this day actually meant to me. Being a non-Christian, it would seem strange to many that I actually celebrate it in the first place. My family doesn’t celebrate at all although we make it a point to have dinner together on that day. But yet, over the last 10 years or so, I have not failed to purchase at least a token gift for my parents during Christmas. The usual standard every year is a huge rebuffal by them saying that I’m wasting too much money that isn’t mine. But still, I do it every single year knowing that they would say something of the like.

I guess deep down, I love the idea of Christmas. It is the one celebration every year that people are being nice just because they want to be nice. Even if one is feeling crummy, it’s only because one feels that they can’t join in the festivities. It’s not like Chinese New Year where everyone indulges in the typical Chinese lust for money although giving out money is a big part of it. Or Hari Raya where the Malays celebrate their month of fasting by having great and delicious food and money giving. Not to say that I don’t enjoy these festivities (oh I do, trust me), it’s just that the meaning and emotion behind it is different. Christmas is a time of giving and usually, to people who matter to us, we take a lot of time buying presents that means something to those people or at least something they can use. No money involved. Just the thoughtfulness of a gift. And by no means is this an easy task to achieve every year.

Life can be daunting at times and looking for a time to relax is sometimes even harder. However, I wish that the spirit of Christmas never dies. Forever.

Jazz is probably one of the new gifts of life that I have just discovered. Ask me to enjoy jazz 3 years ago and you’ll definitely get a much difference response that you would get from me now. There’s something about the way how the music blends together with the lyrics that creates the type of mood that you only get watching movies. Car rides become surreal. Dinner becomes romantic. Walks become enchanting. Sometimes I feel like I’m been drawn into a life totally not quite what I’m leading or at times, travelling back into the past again into a land not quite where I am right now.

In recent days when my emotions are more or less in turmoil, jazz helps to ease the soul much more than I could ever imagine. God must have really liked me buying original because the first original CD I bought throughout the entire 2005 is this one CD ‘Jazz In The City’ which turned out to be one of my all-time favourite CD ever so far. I’ve never gotten so much satisfaction from a CD before. The beauty of jazz is that it never gets boring no matter how many times you listen to it. It’s not about the lyrics but how the piano is played, how the vocals are presented and how the emotions wraps us up in the music. Nothing quite like it.

My love for jazz didn’t start overnight. Everything came with the willingness to try something new. Go, pick up some titles at random, ignore the names and just listen to the music. Currently being absorbed by the sounds of Tony Bennet and K.D. Lang crooning ‘Dream A Little Dream Of Me’. What about you?

Weee, I am officially sick today. Woke up lethargic but assuming nothing was wrong, I continued with my horrendous lifestyle by consuming vast quantities of junk that basically would kill a sick man. I’m happy to say that I am very much alive and kicking but seriously, it sucks being as sick as this. I had a temperature of 38.7 celcius the last I checked. I’m qualified to be hospitalized at the moment. I guess all I can do is grin my teeth and bear with it. I may not enjoy it but I do have to be careful as my doctor said I had a strong risk of getting a nasal infection… AGAIN. Dear God, that was like the most difficult 6 weeks of my life the last time I got it and hopefully, I do not get it again. Please, pretty please with sugar on top and everything of the like. Good news is I get the day off tomorrow but honestly, I rather work given this point in time.

I now have to work from home because tomorrow is the closing date of my magazine. Thankfully, being hardworking over the last week, I finished almost everything I need to go and all I have to do now is to finish up another page or two. Shouldn’t be a problem thankfully, they’re not mentally intensive of the like. The screwy part is that I want to see a particular individual quite badly. A big part that caused my illness is because I’m thinking too much of that individual and I’m doing everything in my power not to. The overwork and stress involved thus leads to a lack of self-sustainment that I’m now in my wonderful predicement. Naturally, I don’t blame her, it’s just my damn mental state of mind causing me to do these things to myself. I’m not well.

That aside, I just wanted to make a comment regarding the wedding that I attended today. Well, it’s more than a comment but here goes. I pity her. I know it sounds incredibly insensitive to say that but all you had to do was take one good look at the groom to understand what I mean. Or, I’m just more finely tuned to body language compared to others, I don’t know which. My cousin is an incredibly attractive and kind person while the guy gets married in the most nonchalant manner that I have ever seen. There isn’t a single ounce of excitement emanating from the groom. I mean, seriously, it’s your friggin’ wedding day for crying out loud. He looks like he’s at a business deal and the words, “Let’s get this over and done with” seems to be stamped on his forehead. Dude, I mean seriously, if you don’t want to get married then don’t. He looked so forced that I felt like punching him then and there. My cousin can definitely do better than this dork. She’s at least an 9 (looks and personality mixed in) while he’s like a 6? Maybe it’s not my place to judge someone but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone get married in that kind of way in all my life of attending weddings. And you can see the poor girl fawning all over him during the process. Makes my blood boil, it definitely looks like a golddigger if you ask me. All I can hope for the poor girl that this isn’t the case. I can tell about a guy and he’s the first ‘wrong’ husband (in a manner of speaking) that I have ever seen. Sigh… ah well I suppose not everyone gets married out of love anymore. Well for some at any rate. Or a one-sided marriage. That definitely wraps up my day.

Maybe I should start a new photo project depicting true love. That would be something different or perhaps overdone but heck, I need something to bring up my expectations regarding this feeling called love. And I really don’t enjoy the fact that it’s painful most of the time even though it’s self-induced. Well, love was never easy anyway or what amounts to love anyway.

As I walk towards the extension to eternity,
Realization brings forth vast uncertainty,
To live a life as unfulfilled,
Like an empty glass beside the window sill.

The determination to try,
The determination to succeed,
Has been surpassed by complacency,
And the normalization of society.

My thoughts are filled with the thoughts of bread and butter,
Yet my heart flounders with the thoughts of vice like a sinner,
When the situation is where the heart yearns for another,
One very much different from any other.

Slowly but gradually the hunt wavers,
As such a unique angel would hardly be walking this mediocre earth,
But instead above us mere mortals she hovers,
Probably not to taint the purity given to her since birth.

Thus, the life of complacency is chosen,
Although it’s a life that’s second rate at best,
Slowly it eats at the soul till it’s broken,
That sometimes I wonder if this was actually a test.

Suddenly my resolve is broken,
For the simple reason that I met you,
At the moment when my heart was left unguarded and open,
Where you held my heart beholden.

Unwittingly I fell,
So deep like an unending well,
And worst, such an angel was unreachable,
For mere mortals that work in a stable.

But I shall perservere,
I shall sustain,
I would go on even if I feel pain,
Until I reach that breaking point.

George - First & Last of 2005

I always wish that life would have given me stronger resolve and show me the right paths to follow in life. One honestly can’t predict the future and it takes a great person to have great foresight and vision to predict the flow of time. As much as I can whine and moan about how things aren’t going great in life, I can only hope for the better as time moves forward with or without me moving along with it. I can stay stagnant and time will still keep on moving irregardless for I am but a speck in the vast universe that we mere mortals live in.

I crave for many things. The one thing I honestly crave for is to be utterly selfish sometimes. The easiest way to enjoy life is to be a total emotionless bastard and indulge in all your desires in any form or manner that you feel like the most. Irregardless of the emotions of people around you. Most people think that it’s a ‘guy’ trait to be insensitive and selfish but that’s not even remotely true. However, it has become the standard norm that some males just use it as an excuse to indulge in those selfish desires. And the best part, women let them. Strange but utterly true in more cases than one.

I desire to succumb to my inner desires. And the best part, I’m even given the right to do so without any worries or fears at times. It’s so very strange as many would probably die to be in my shoes but unlike the norm, I chose otherwise. I’m going crazy doing things differently than other people. It would have been so easy to not care and to not give a flying humdinger about anyone’s feelings and just plain enjoy. Unfortunately, that goes against every grain and fibre of my being that to do it shows the lack of self-control I have within me. There are some things where you can choose not to control but there is a time and place for everything. I know exactly why I’m deprived. And I have no one else to blame by myself. After all, it was my choice.

Which brings me to something somewhat related and that is choices. Many feel that it is not within their mental or physical state to achieve or do something that they don’t have a choice to do anything at certain periods of time. People tell me that they can’t do something and they don’t have a choice. In my mind, they already made a choice. They chose to believe that they can’t do it without even making a very conscious and strong effort to choose otherwise and go along with it. And it’s very simple, because telling yourself that you can’t do it is so very easy for one simple reason. When you say you can’t do it, you don’t have to make any effort to achieve anything. You only burn some energy from whining about it. Probably the lips will be strong enough to lift crains pretty soon. What I believe is that if you feel that you can’t do something, it’s better to not say it. Why say it? So you can’t do something. You don’t have to announce it to the world over and over again. Whining only achieves one thing: absolutely nothing. Of course, everyone whines once in awhile to relieve some inner tension and the like. But some people absolutely indulge in whining as if that whining alone can solve the problem and suddenly a great ray of light shines from above and every desire you have in this world will be fulfilled. Unfortunately, if that happened even once at all to anyone, I would be whining right this very moment instead of writing this blog. I am unable to tell a person what to do or even give a logical suggestion if the listener does not even take into consideration the words that I spout on the basis that they can’t do it or they don’t believe that they are capable of it. The phrases ‘You never try, you never know’ and ‘If you fail, try try again’ might seem cheesy and corny but that’s all one really needs to remember when they do something they’re not confident in. Even Spiderman had to jump smack into a wall a few times before learning how to deal with his powers. But instead of feeling discouraged every time he fell splat on the wall, he kept on going at it until he achieved something out of it. Imagine if he just sat there and never jumped off that roof after firing his web, there wouldn’t be a movie anymore. They might as well write ‘The End’ right there and then. But if you let the story develop, something interesting might happen at the end of they day. Might not be exactly what one wants but it doesn’t mean the end result would be any less desirable.

I know it may sound that like I am whining about whiners. But the truth is, I’m worried. I’ve got friends around me that I’m worried about. All I can do is give some friendly suggestions but I can tell that my words sometimes holds importance to them like how much an otter cares about whether flies enjoyed all that flying that they did. I do not claim that I know all the answers but I definitely do know that what they’re doing is so much more of a self-destructive act than anything else. What many could perceive as confidence and opportunistic is actually a bomb waiting to explode. Things aren’t always as simple as they seem. There is always at least one unknown factor working against you no matter what you are doing in life. One does not always has all the bases covered or everything thought out. The only way we can deal with things in life sometimes is to anticipate anything and everything that can go wrong and assess whether or not we are capable of handling the situation in the event that the worst case scenario happens. If yes, by all means, go ahead and lead your life to the fullest. But if not… well, I don’t think I need to elaborate more. But sometimes some things can’t be said direct to the person’s face. It’s not a nice feeling to hear one of your closest friends telling to your face that you ain’t gonna achieve what you want doing what you’re doing. I got that. It hurt and I was insulted at the same time. But I’m not going to do the same back. Would there be a point?

That’s how life feels like at the moment. I’ve lost the inspiration to write of late but it seems to be coming back. Has life become so dull that I have forgotten how to have fun? Maybe that’s why adults are boring. Work life sucks out every fun and positive vibe within us that the thought of expanding more energy to do extra activities is definitely a chore. Some choose to party anyway but at the expense of their career sometimes. Or that’s just an excuse from me because I’m lazy.

Somehow, I reached a point where I’m beginning to feel that I’m not using my brain to my fullest potential. In college, although the education system sucks and what I was learning might have been totally unnecessary, I was at least utilizing my brain to a somewhat optimal capacity. Now I’m way below the doofus region and it’s beginning to show. I’m beginning to understand how Beavis & Butthead were like. I was so bored the other day that I went into the Petronas art exhibition alone… again. It’s become like a ritual for me to walk into the art gallery whenever I’m alone in KLCC. But at least, I enjoy doing that. It’s like a small refuge for me whenever I feel like I’m in a slump. I’ve never been good at painting but I’m amazed at how one uses a brush to express emotion. I definitely cannot talk about the technicality of art but what captures is the emotion that is expressed. I would love to see more photo galleries but those are rare, few and difficult to access.

When I sit back and think, I realise that this is not the existence that I want. It’s too mundane for me. I’ve always wanted to achieve bigger things but one becomes complacent as one finds a place in society that one deems comfortable. I need to be put in a spot where I am challenged to achieve bigger and greater things. I’ve never been one to be accepting to a role or position in life. Slowly but gradually, I want to get that other half of myself and return to that person I used to be. The crazy yet totally confident guy who knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted to get what he sought for. I realised also today that mentally, I was saying more negative than positive things compared to what I was used to. In the past, I have the firm belief and faith that I could do whatever I set out to do. I was, for a period in time, invincible although in mind and not body. Now, I’m the casual commoner, working extremely hard just to make a living to get by. This is not who I am or what I was meant to be. This is everything I hoped to not become. I foresee that if I stray too far down this path, it would mean the doom of the person that I am and always wanted to be.

Knowing my direction has deviated from the intended road, I have taken mental steps to counter the effects that I have bestowed upon myself. What am I if I am not the master of my own destiny? I have to make new roads for myself even if I have to step on some feet to make room for those new roads. Of course, the less feet I step the better. But, there’s always something missing…