images of a physical reality

Since I started working in editorial, I realised I appreciate literary work much more than I did in the past. Not to say that I wasn’t an avid reader in the past anyway, I just ran out of books to read. And in recent years, time was spent elsewhere instead of reading a good book. However, I have recently supplemented this desire by reading blogs of various people I have met throughtout the years and what surprises me is the sheer number of people blogging lately. It also provides a great insight into an individual’s life as people tend to express themselves differently when they write their blogs.

Sometimes, the styles of writing defines the bloggers characteristics. Topics of interest shows what they deem important in their lives. Frequency suggests an individual’s urge to express themselves more but without any kind of outlet available to them other than this simple yet useful blog. Somehow, people don’t really seem to realise that they’re exposing themselves totally whenever they choose to write a blog entry. Which is good for a person like me who’s so used to being an absolute loner that it allows me to understand the people around me better. This is what I call making full use of company resources. I wonder if I’ll get fired for writing this hmm…. Oh well, I’m not writing this in the office anyway…Not this post at any rate….

There are many great writers out there. The sheer amount of talent baffles me whenever I hear them doing engineering or medicine when they have so much artistic flair to share with the world. I guess society makes us conform to the norms and seek steady, secure and cushy jobs. Really, I do believe that there are many people out there so unsatisfied with what they’re doing just because they’re really not chasing their own dreams. At times, one wonders whether they actually took the time to understand and determine what kind of goals and dreams do they have for themselves. Or are they just walking along the stream hoping to reach some town which can offer some form of salvation? Life pushes the soul around, do we fight back or just go along in an easier path to security?

How is it that we, as thinking and rational beings, choose to walk a path which does not offer happiness and satisfaction but rather walk a safe yet bleak existence which doesn’t offer anything that you may desire in your life? Even when I spoke to my parents of my goals and dreams, it nearly brought a tear to my mother’s eyes because she felt I was walking a dangerous path and my calling lies elsewhere. But walking the path that they desire of me is like telling me to tell the biggest bully out there to kiss my sorry butt because I didn’t like his stinking face. I can’t bring myself to do something so irrational as to choose a road where all I can think of is how much I want to be walking on my current road in life.

Somehow I feel, most of us, especially Malaysians, tend to not chase their dreams. Heck, I bet most don’t even think about the unreachable because they know beforehand their paths in life. It has already been paved in a nice straight road to a mediocre lifestyle unless you’re filthy rich to begin with. And this is very much reflected in many blogs I read and people I know. The dissatisfaction is so apparent yet they do nothing to get out of it. But who can blame them? It’s not easy to walk a path when you’ve spent most of your life studying something totally unrelated just because your parents believe in the number of job prospects there are for that ‘professional’ degree. Weeee, tell that to the hundreds of unemployed professionals in Malaysia. If only things were so clear cut as studying hard, getting a degree and getting a lucrative salary at a multinational corporation, this world would be a very boring place. Go out to the workplace and see how many people are working in fields totally unrelated to anything written in their official transcripts. For those who even find this topic remotely interesting, here’s my current progression in life which I wrote down that day in a forum when the topic came up:

Peter & Jane Kindergarden where I was teased for my funny ears and irritating habits. I never grew out of being irritating —>

SRK Taman Megah where I learned nothing of value other than that I was a completely shy idiot —->

SMK Damansara Jaya where I took sub-science but I dropped add. maths and slept through the rest of the classes for the best part of form 4 & 5. Oh wait, I wasn’t there for most classes too. Fascinating… Oh, and not to mention for the best part of form 1 & 2, I spoke to more or less the wall and maybe a few trees. I am indeed strange —>

Institute Bahasa Teikyo where I grew this urge to go Japan and learn to speak in a really high pitch voice. Till today, I never understood my desire to do so but yet when I went for that holiday a few months back, it was the most interesting experience in my life and I’m definitely going again. Oh, family decided money was better spent elsewhere and thus I had to choose a local education while I was here AFTER I managed to pass the ever difficult Ni-Kyuu Japanese Language examination. Weee… —>

INTI College Subang Jaya where I joined up because everyone told me not to. Spent most of the 3 and a half years studying my ass off and being an absolute idiot. Made a bet with my friend to join the Student Council just because I could. Ran for President and ended up being the guy talking on the mic at events to invite the winning president on stage. Passed just missing my target of a 1st Class Honors (I got 2nd Upper and I ain’t complaining) —>

Munique Event Management where it was more like an interim job selling Sony cameras while I seeked out a job. Was already working for this event company during college but went on longer because I was too lazy to find a job yet too itchy to sit around at home and do nothing. Kicked off my passion in photography where I really learned all about cameras and the art of photography. It also made me sick to the bone of selling and I realised a sales and marketing job wasn’t my calling even though my parents thinks thats the most suitable job for me. Maybe so, that’s where my actual capabilities lie. Couldn’t stand the constant lying just to sell though. Too tiring —>

CHIP Photo Video Magazine where I put all that knowledge I learned from selling and put it to good use as the Assistant Tech. Editor for the magazine. From there, I’ve met many different photographers and learned so many things that my desire of being a pro photographer someday doesn’t seem so much like an impossible dream no more.

When I reflect back, I realise how much of a change my life took. My desires and priorities changed so many times over the years that some people might deem me a confused bloke. I don’t blame you. I’m thinking the exact same thing myself. Well, there are no absolutes in life and at least, looking back I can safely say something about myself. I never gave up on my dreams, no matter how weird or silly they were. If I didn’t follow up a dream, it was always due to circumstances and not by choice. But… that didn’t stop me from making some new ones to replace them… These are the words of MY inner soul. Good night…

It’s been awhile since I moaned and bitched in this blog. And frankly, I don’t really plan to do so really. I have been thinking about so many things that it just boils down to the fact that I have no energy to face these problems no more. Let them come and let them be sorted out on its own. The more I force it, the more difficult it becomes for me. Instead, I shall talk about some future plans that I have.

The main focus I have is naturally my own office which subs as my own photo studio. Naturally, this is a big step and basically a large investment as well in order to get what I want. I need to practice and develop my own style. Having my own studio allows me to do that and naturally, I hope that it would allow me much more earning power and pay off it’s own within a year of purchase. Too bad no one gives out loans to purchase lightings but I guess I’m not being very sensible.

I might consider starting up a cafe for my mum to run as well. I have the whole concept laid out but it’s just that I don’t have the necessary knowledge nor experience to run a cafe by myself. I need some help and I mean qualified help. Positive suggestions will not get this project started at all and I’m hoping to start this within a year or two so that my mum can retire earlier. This…is easier said than done.

My own personal project is about to begin very soon. I’m planning to start somewhere around December or January but the thoughts of undertaking this entire project plus the research by myself is somewhat daunting. I need help, I do not doubt that but who to turn to which I can trust this project with secrecy is somewhat invisible to me. But I suppose, for these type of efforts, no pain, no gain. And I guess it would be so much more meaningful if I did it by myself. A sincere effort counts a lot these days.

I’m also looking to start a few websites. The first is an online magazine. Probably this has been overdone by some but I have a strong belief that I am able to do a great job at this but I lack one very important thing…knowledge to create a website in the first place. I’m absolutely a dunce when it comes to web building and quite frankly, I need someone to collaborate with me on this. If you feel like you wanna commit to something interesting, honest and maybe even profitable, do drop me a line. You know who you are. I’m also planning to start a more personal website which acts as my online portfolio. But unlike other portfolios out there, this is done in a very different and (hopefully) entertaining angle. The third website I wanna do has much more interesting implications for those who want to explore some slight journalistic and photographic aspects. For this, I would need various contributors to this website so do drop me a line if your interest are somewhere along these lines. I need web designers most importantly but I highly doubt I’ll get much response from anyone reading this blog. I’m not even sure who reads my blog except for a select few. Thanks so much for listening to my rambling.

Aimless and daunting as my desires may seem, but it all interrelates to one final goal. Many believe that in order to achieve success, some people must suffer as a consequence. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that most people just don’t want to make the effort to let everyone benefit from their efforts. One does not need to hurt others to achieve success. That’s just the easy road but I doubt it will be the happiest. I kind of feel like I have to beat all the odds to achieve the success I want. Even when telling my dreams and goals to my parents, the looks of disbelief on their faces is very much apparent. But I was never one to back down from challenges. Challenge is what I strive for and hence my decision to walk a very difficult path to achieve success. One has to make many sacrifices to achieve them though and I realised that I have foregone many luxuries like active social lifestyle, close intimacy and even friendship at times. Quite often, I feel like my life is a dull and undesirable existence but I guess one has to sacrifice some things in order to reach a higher level. And who knows? Maybe I’ll achieve the impossible again (based on MY standards, I’m not sure what others think of me) and surpass myself to reach a state where I never thought possible for myself. That, is definitely a joy and a pleasure to achieve.

At the end of the day, I have relied on a few ingredients to keep on going where I wanna go in spite of all the criticism and negativity that surrounds my goals. Hope and belief. That’s basically all I really have. And a hunger for the type of success that surprises even myself. My only qualms is that…it can get pretty lonely at times.

Over the last few months I realise that I annoy myself more often than not. This can be extremely frustrating and downright tiring at times. Complaining doesn’t help and no answers seem to come forth. One way to explain it is that I am completely stumped at what my next move is. I certainly hope this post does not come out as ranting because seriously, I’m not. Just imagine me saying this in a really calm and questioning kind of way. Like an open discussion. That would probably be the exact tone I’m using now in my head.

I feel all wrong inside. Is it really so difficult to pinpoint the source of everything your soul tells you? Sometimes I feel that the human brain reacts slower than the heart. Or maybe it’s because I willfully force out the thoughts which might be a possibility given the circumstances or the lack of it. It’s like how a body reacts before you even think of acting that way.

Have yet to push myself to the limits and strangely enough I feel like a huge weight pressing upon my chest as the days go by. Like I have something bothering me yet I do not know exactly what it is. Maybe I do but I fail to see it clearly or simply. This unusual feeling seems to increase as the days go by that I am somehow begging for an outlet of release. But what can release me when I don’t know what CAN release me? To understand the source is to determine a solution. The last few days have been very much apparent that I feel like I’m entering the ‘male cave’ where I need to be well alone and just work everything out. I’m slowly emerging from that cave and yet whenever I want to venture further, I walk right back in and sometimes I walk even deeper than I intended to. Problem is, I’m walking in more than I am walking out. I’ve heard that this is the first sign of depression and I certainly pray to God this is not the case. So I have begun venturing outwards looking for that ray of light to at very least ease me of this huge weight on my chest.

My usual remedy of music is slowly losing its potency. My usual saving grace is fast becoming stale and unedible. Casual drives hold no meaning anymore but a means to reach a destination when I usually felt like the journey and experience amounted for something. I gotta stop writing crap And I broke my rule of not using smileys in my blog. Or did I break that rule earlier, hmm…

Lifehouse - Blind

I was young but I wasn’t naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we’d be here
Never thought we’d be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn’t make you see it
Couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
And part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we’d be here
Never thought we’d be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn’t make you see it
Couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
And part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn’t make you see it
Couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
And part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you’ll ever know
And part of me died when I let you go

______________________________________________________________________________________

I really have to stop listening to Lifehouse. I doubt it will be good for the soul very much. The songwriter for Lifehouse must have been me in another life.

Did a wedding shoot for my brother’s best friend over the weekend. Made some mistakes that I shouldn’t have and again I live to regret it. Hate doing weekends when people leave their memories in my hands. Unlike what people think, it’s a very big responsibility because that day doesn’t return. Hopefully, they’ll be happy with the good shots that I got.