images of a physical reality

I started the day wanting to blog regarding my trip to Indonesia. But my thoughts keep going back to this story I heard from my friend yesterday night. It shocks me that things that happen in the news actually happen to a close friend of yours. Due to the apparent flaws of the Internet, I shall not reveal much safe to say that she nearly got raped in a very public area and she was considered lucky that she came out of it with only bruises and no other internal damage. Although, I wouldn’t consider this lucky but at least she won’t have to suffer from an even worst trauma if she actually did get violated. To think a man would cause such severe harm on a woman is beyond me and I for one can’t understand why one would need to resort to such actions in order to satisfy their own desires.

I wonder why one would go to such extremes to get what they want. The most is that one may fantasize about it but to actually act on it is just inhumane. Doesn’t the thought of the person’s feelings EVER enter a male’s mind? I honestly can’t bring myself to commit such an act even if someone threatened my life to do it. Kill me instead, why bring my shit to other people?

It’s acts like this that make me feel that something is really wrong with the world we live in. I know of people who would drug a girl so that they can bring her home for sex. If one wanted to have a one night stand, please, go and look for someone who wanted it as well. If one is such a sorry loser that they can’t get what they want legally and maturely (although wanting it so bad doesn’t seem all that mature anyway), go find a prostitute or even just jack off for crying out loud. I never believe that a man cannot control their emotions and ’succumb’ to this bullshit. It’s like saying you can’t quit smoking. You can if you want to. You just don’t and you’re not willing to admit it. Same thing. The men who say they can’t help not doing something, well I guess they aren’t as ‘man’ as they thought they were.

It’s the excuses men give to get something for themselves that irks me. There is NO reason for them to do whatever they want to the girl, no matter how they’re dressed. The bullshit that they say like, “Look at the way she dresses, you know she wants some” doesn’t carry any weight even if you put an elephant on it. And in this context, my friend was decently dressed. “I drug her because I wouldn’t get some any other way” simply deserves to be beaten the shit out of by me. In college, I heard many stories of these guys and quite frankly, that’s why I don’t have many friends in college. I rather be alone than ‘hang out’ with these kind of scumbags.

Men, stop being cruel to others out there irrespective of their gender. If you’re gay and wanna screw the next guy you meet, please be nice and ask for it. I believe gays are more forward with this. If you see a hot girl that you want to be with, go for it like a true gentlemen and don’t feel all screwed if she doesn’t put out. Respect is key and I do believe you’ll be more likeable at the end of the day. Respect and trust takes anyone much further than deceit and cruelty. My absolute condolences to my poor friend. Gratefully, she came out of that ordeal better than one would hope for and that she was spared from a worst form of trauma. May she have much happier days from this day on.

Coming back at 12.45AM in the morning from Jakarta is not exactly what I had expected from this trip. To be fairly honest, I didn’t know what to expect from this trip to be precise. But needless to say, Indonesia is a beautiful place indeed. I got to meet so many people like the CHIP Indonesia team. Other notable individuals include Dom Hasman and Anton Ismael. Dom Hasman is engaged by National Geographic to take images of Indonesia’s beautiful landscape scenary. Vastly travelled, he’s basically taken pictures in any notable spots all around Indonesia. He has amazing stories to be sure. Anton Ismael is a very different type of photographer which is a rarity in Malaysia as well. Anton is Indonesia’s leading fashion photographer and he’s even the art director for Rolling Stones magazine in New York. Is deviant style of photography is an inspiration to me and he’s also a very humble individual as well.

Dom Hasman has offered me a chance to follow him shoot a special and quite unknown festival in East Java where the entire race will celebrate by giving out food to others. How this is done is that everyone will just walk up to any other person’s house and the host will serve the visitors food. The belief is that the more food they dish out to others, the more luck that will come to them. And the best part is, it’s situated smack in the middle of three different volcanoes where one is a dead volcano while the other two are very active. November is the time to meet them and I’m seeing if I can get a week to actually go document this special festival.

Anton has also offered to take me around Jakarta and even teach me fashion photography if I wanted to learn from him. He’s offered me his studio as a temporary shelter to me if I ever choose to visit him in Jakarta. This is probably one of the best opportunities for me to actually expand further in my photography. One month under his tutelage and who knows where I would end up in.

Dead tired now as you would expect. I shall continue at the office.

Note: I actually lost my SIM card to give me a message a day or two after tomorrow so that I can store back your numbers, for those of you who read this. Thanks

Lifehouse - Come Back Down

Staring right back in the face
A memory can’t be erased
I know because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness and everything I’m gonna miss
I know that I can’t hide

All this time is passing by
I think it’s time to just move on

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I’ll be there for you
Don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through

Start to breathe and fake a smile
It’s all the same after a while
I know that you are tired
Carrying the ones you lost
A picture frame with all the thoughts
I know you hold inside

I hope that you can find your way back to the place where you belong

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I’ll be there for you
Don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through

You’re coming back down
(You say you feel lost can I help you find it)
When you come around
(From time to time we all are blinded)
You’re coming back down
(You don’t have to tell me what you’re feeling)

I know what you’re going through and I won’t be the one that lets go of you
I think it’s time to just move on

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I’ll be there for you
Don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through

When you come back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way to make it back to me
When you come around
I’ll be there for you
Don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through
______________________________________________________________________________________

It’s funny how sometimes music can depict the exact emotions one has in their head and heart. Sigh… I’m going to Indonesia tomorrow representing my company. I didn’t actually want to go but I’ll just take it as a positive career move and maybe to give myself some chill time from everything. Positives, positives.

Have you ever felt like you’ve yet to achieve to the greatest of your own abilities? Do you ever feel like you’re capable of so much more? I hate to say it, but I feel like I’m becoming very much mediocre to what I believe I can do. To some, I may lead an interesting and full life. And yet, I know that I am unfulfilled and I dream to big to move at such a slow pace as I am moving now. At times, I feel like I expect too much for myself. But I guess one can only move so much given the limitations imposed by society and by own self-doubt.

Maybe this is what an artist begins to feel like. They’re always pushing themselves to reach that ultimate point before they can call it a day. Some call it “The Hand of God” while others might call it a masterpiece. My infatuation with art began a long time ago and was seriously dropped when I realised I wasn’t any good. But that part of me has never left me and when I finally picked up photography, I found the ultimate medium of expression.

I know what it feels like to desire such achievements from one’s own self. I never believed that I could but in recent months, the transition from being a sensible and practical worker to an aspiring dreamer has probably messed up the harmony of life that I was leading. Strangely enough, throughout all these years, I’ve never had any such desires and to go from one extreme to another is reason enough I understand my state of mind at this current moment in time. In turn, it affects my judgment on things around me. My perception has changed so severely that at times, I don’t seem to understand my own self.

Luckily for me, I’m one of those who generally know what I want. And that helps in more ways than one and I am grateful for that. Probably a lot going through my mind right now but I’m also grateful that I have a positive disposition towards life. Things neither look up or down but I’m more like an innocent bystander waiting for something interesting to happen. I guess it’s time to eat my own words and start making things happen for myself. There’s no use dreaming if I don’t try to make it into some kind of reality.

I keep running myself into a great brick wall. When my self-esteem/confidence is on a high, something always comes smack into my face and makes me wonder whether it should be at that level or not. The last few years, due to circumstances, my self-esteem has been beaten down so low at one point but I was never one to feel bad about things for long. I keep on picking myself up although things keep coming forward and slapping me in the face.

I guess during that period, my ex-girlfriend did make me feel like I was completely worthless to an extent. Can’t say I blame her. After all, I did allow her to do that to me and I took it completely. Trying to recover from that took monumental effort but I’ve finally reached an acceptable point I guess. However, it has made me doubt more than I used to in the past. I never actually felt like this before. I used to have so much faith but I guess faith has just decided to talk a long walk down the block and decided not to return.

I’ve reached a point in life where I’ve never expected to reach here in Malaysia. Feeling it for the first time in Japan, I’m beginning to feel it here to. I feel like I’m detached from society as the days go on by. Can’t say for certain whats the cause of this situation but I do feel it. It’s not like I’m unhappy or anything though. Just feels weird as days go by. I’m not leading the kind of life that I want to lead. And to be honest, I can’t foresee me ever leading that kind of life here in Malaysia. Unless, I pioneer the transition and make it something fantastic right here in Malaysia.

I have a few ideas on how to go about in making this a reality. Maybe if I pursued this course of action, I wouldn’t feel the way I do right now. And maybe I’ll be less affected by others things which is affecting me emotionally now. Sometimes it’s hard to maintain our composure especially in the face of that person. But I guess, we don’t always get to do what we want. I find myself building a barrier to maintain my sanity in situations where I would most probably lose control. I guess everyone does it one way or another in order to survive in this judgmental world. I do believe that if everyone just acted TOTALLY the way they wanted, we would all be happier people. But societal norms have taken over our everyday lives that one never knows exactly whats the best course of action to do in any situation in time. There are no absolutes in this world so why do I feel like I am being controlled by society’s preset norms?

A friend of mine was telling me how when a guy says that he can’t understand a girl even if he reached a hundred, a good response was to tell the guy that his role in life is just to love the girl and not really understand them. This line was taken from the movie ‘Sepet’. However, one thing that came into my mind after reaching back home was this. Wouldn’t trying to understand the girl be a sign of his love for the girl? If only it were so simple, I doubt many men would have much trouble getting the girl of their dreams. But the fact is, without understanding the girl’s thoughts and feelings, its either never going to a) work out, b) reach the level where they’ll be together simply because the girl feels like the guy would never understand her or even c)start off a friendship to begin with. A guy may love the girl the most but without proper understanding of how to make her tick, he’ll lose out to the guy that doesn’t love her at all but understands her well enough to reach her heart easily. I guess a guy’s problem is which guy he should be? The one whose love is true or the one who knows her heart. Admittedly, the best is to be both. But being both requires the guy to love first and make great amounts of effort to understand because if he knows her heart so easily, it’s only a 50/50 chance he will grow to love the girl. But girls rarely (not never) are able to see that true love in a guy’s heart to give him a chance to learn to understand her. Can’t say I blame anyone because we’re all victim of circumstances. Which is why true love is always hard to find. If it was, we wouldn’t look for it now, would we?

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine regarding that if a man isn’t ‘bad’ (in a manner of speaking), he’ll ultimately end up as a ‘nice guys finish last’ scenario and basically never win. In this context, I’m talking about relationships and how it seems that as one gets older, this apparently seems to be more and more the case.

I have this typical ‘nice guy’ syndrome where I’m nice to the girl that I’m interested in which ultimately falls flat on my face. Trust me, I’ve been there before. I don’t want to screw up and friends (yes, females) have asked me to play the ‘disinterested’ card which basically goes against every fiber of my being. I know many guys who have conformed to this just because they want to get a girl but I always ask myself whether or not doing so is real. Maybe its just me but I hate ‘pretending’ to be someone I’m not. Needless to say, I’ve been hurt more than once for keeping to my principle of being real and true to myself. I take consolation in the fact that most of the time, these girls end up being a really good friend of mine but as I said, it’s just a consolation. I’ve also been told that girls tend to not accept these nice guys because they’re afraid that if they break up with them, they’ll stop being a part of their lives and that’s something they don’t want to contend with. To me, if the guy has an honest heart to the girl, even if they have to part, they’ll still be there no matter what. Of course, there are exceptions but I feel that this is never a proper reason for a girl to say no but I guess it happens more often than not. For me, I’m still close and on proper speaking terms with most of my ex’s except for one but there’s a strong supporting reason to that which my closest friends would know.

It’s funny how I seem to attract women that I’m uninterested in. I have this theory is that when I don’t REALLY care about someone’s feelings, I tend to be more of my natural self and my personality actually shows. In the presence of someone I really care about, I think too much and suppress the person within at times. I really need to get over this because thats also not being me but just in a different way.Sigh… I wonder if one has to resort to manipulation in order to achieve anything in this world.

At this rate I’m going, it’s going to be difficult for me to end up with someone I really want to be with. Especially if it holds true that a guy has to be somewhat ‘bad’ or something. I’ve hurt enough girls to know that if it’s not someone I honestly and truly care for, I’m better off being by myself. I don’t really want to get into that entire ’sandiwara’ which eventually ends in tears. And what joy would I bring to a girl whom I know will eventually end it tears. The key word here is ‘will’.

To bring to light certain things happening in this world, I would just like to highlight a following around the world. Its called Adult Sex Fast or ASF for short. Unlike what it sounds like, its actually sort of like a method for men to tap the female subconscious mind in order to get them quickly into bed. Basically, it teaches men to manipulate the female’s subconscious to arouse them and ultimately get them into bed. And the founder of this method has created this method by totally understanding the female mentality and devising methods to use it to his own benefit. Reading it shows much insight to how a female thinks but I refuse to follow his methods because they’re downright manipulative. And if one had to resort to manipulation, then what is real anymore anyway?

I know this may sound unreal but I can tell that it actually works because most people (eg. Womanizers and the like) actually use this methods as well although they’ve never actually thought it out in an explainable manner. So, if you ever wonder how a guy does it, this is where you can find out. Do a search on it. I think the writer is called Jeff Roffries or something like that.

Human nature is something one has to contend with. Fear of the unknown is another that we have to overcome. Some people feel that they have to succumb to such societal norms. Some people are strong enough to face it. I guess I haven’t crumbled yet. I’m no sellout and I’m not about to sellout on my own self. Strange and stupid to some, honorable and revered to others. It’s all a matter of perspective. I kind of doubt that people in the stone or medieval age had to think about these kind of things. People of today have certain preconceptions which have been defined by society and not by their individualistic preference. At times, these preconceptions even become a part of their individuality. Every human was made perfect and different in their own special way and to classify people and to act a certain way to them to further one’s own agenda doesn’t sound very fair to me. But then again, what can I say? I’m just a tiny dot in this infinite universe seeking the path to ultimate happiness. I guess, at the very core, we all are.

I guess it all boils down to whether one just wants results or prefers the process to be untainted. As one has said before, "Results do not constitute success, it’s the journey that counts". For me, the journey is important because at the end of the day, what we have left is our experiences in our lives. And I hope that my journey is meaningful. Not only for me, but also with the people that walk beside me. And if I decided to use manipulation to get them to walk beside me, I doubt they’ll be walking very long.

Luck seems to have fallen a bit on me as I realised that my camera’s battery isn’t spoiled or anything. It does pay to read manuals sometimes although I keep thinking its such a stupid way to design the battery icon. Ah well, better to be silly at this point than for it to really be broken. Now I can go for shoots with ease.

I find myself doing more than I should but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing less at the same time. I’m guessing I’ve changed over the years and now I can’t seem to not give a crap no more. What a dramatic change that has come over me. Or maybe I’ve always been like this but I failed to realise it all this time.

Met up with June for a drink today. Haven’t seen her in a long while. Its good to catch up with old friends and still stay in positive contact with one another. Its never about the length of time one sees each other but the quality of time one spends together with each other. And somehow, those that I have spent quality time with have stayed close friends throughout the years. That I feel is something special. I consider myself luckier than most still having these kind of friends to be around after all this time.

I really want to do a shoot. I want to start a personal pet project based on a theme taking pictures of everyone I know holding something of personal and intrinsic value to them. Need to get all that lighting equipment of mine first. 800w main light…….

Recently got myself into much more work than I intended to do. Not complaining much I guess considering that I enjoy my work and I have a lot of freedom to do what I want. I’m just worried that it’ll be too much work for me to handle. I have to help out with Kids-Klick more as well after the entire incident has been blown out of proportion. No matter how bad Evan could have been, he still did an amazing job for Kids-Klick. Trying to handle what he can’t at the moment while juggling my own work might drain me but hopefully I can manage.

Finally purchased my digital SLR to augment my work. Initially I thought that I could pay it off because my cousin was supposed to hire my services to take some pictures which was the reason for my urgency at purchasing a digital SLR as well. Imagine my surprise when she backed out today saying that they’ll try taking the pictures by themselves and see if the results turn out alright. I’m not blaming them considering that I made the purchase myself without consulting them first. Suddenly, I need to sell a lot of my items just to make up for the cost of the remainder of my camera. Lets see: RM1300 from Sony, RM1000 from Azizzi (Which come in 4 month installments) and thats it…. I need to sell my other camera which hopefully I can at least obtain around RM1500 for it. But selling it has not been easy given the fact that demand is such a camera is seriously limited. Even if I did manage to sell it, that only RM3800 and I’m still short RM400. And thats IF I manage to sell my older camera. Sigh, its not going to be an easy month. To top it off, there’s something wrong with my new battery which I’m uncertain of the cause.

Its not easy to work smart when it seems like all I ever do is work hard. I need to rethink my game plan and make sure that my life stays on track to where I want it to. But I figured I give myself till the end of this year to sort everything out and see where life takes me. Then, I’ll adapt it to lead to where I want it to at the end of the day. No one said walking it was easy and I never really understood until I reached this point in life.

I need to stop staring at a computer and get myself a decent pair of glasses. My eyesight is getting worst as I type this and my eyeballs are absolutely burning. Problem is, I can’t afford a pair after stupidly destroying it with my own bare hands in the past. One of those things where I seriously regret after doing it. Now I’m paying the price for past idiocities. I hope I’m never driven to that level ever again.

Guess I should go home now. My dad’s going for his operation soon and I can tell that he’s getting the jitters again like he always does whenever he goes for an operation. I really do wish he would just quit his job and just enjoy his life. But then again, I realise he’s still working because me and my brother is still living under his roof and eating his money. The house loan is a huge burden and I’m not doing anything to lessen it. Time to spend time with them…

I finally uploaded the entire set of pictures for the Japan B&W series. Some people consider black and white to be the easy way out of photography but its just a different way of seeing things. I love color just as much as the next person but black and white just blows me away every time. I hope you guys enjoy the series and please do open up the larger picture for better viewing.

I always remember when I decided not to go for the youth exchange program to Japan because I just got together with my then girlfriend. I always believed that I would get there someday but the time I had then was all I would have with her. True enough, after a month of being with her, I realised that she was just the wrong girl for me and we broke up. Wasted opportunity? Not really. If I went with a youth exchange program, truthfully, I would have been there longer which would have appealed to me more. But I wouldn’t have been in photography to document my entire trip and I would not have seen things that I did when I backpacked. The experience was amazing to say the least.

I’ve been thinking so much lately that I’ve been confusing myself thinking of all the wrong things. Its usually when I get into situations like these that I stop being myself and I keep trying to be appealing. Have been lately trying to act like myself more in hopes that me being myself is actually more the reason why something should happen instead of the me-being-appealing me. I want things to work out so bad that I think about it all the time. Time to take a breather…

Most likely I’ll be making an investment into a DSLR tomorrow. Expensive as it may be, it would allow me to work part-time as everyone wants digital nowadays and I can’t earn nuts from photography using digital unless I was a full-fledged pro. I really want to do great studio work and I’ll probably be getting all the equipment I need for my own personal mini studio for products and portraits pretty soon. Friends of mine who want some pictures done, look me up. For you guys, definitely free naturally. Stephanie, if you’re reading this, I’ll make sure that I get so good that you’ll get the best pictures you can get from anyone, ok?

Been working on this launch for my magazine lately. Its going to be a blast and hopefully our readers will see that we’re really serious in making a quality publication for them. I’m planning a competition and really expensive prizes for the winners so hopefully the meeting with my boss on Monday goes well. I can create miracles with only a RM5000 budget…

Recently, after getting into the whole working environment, I know for certain what I want to achieve. One doesn’t make millions from photography yet I know its something that will follow me throughout the rest of my life. Heck, its more or less what I talk about everyday which I feel makes me somewhat boring as a person. But if I play my cards right, I know I’ll find a road which would lead me to a better situation in life. Pray for me.

The next picture set that I’ll be uploading is the Merdeka Rally pictures that I took. Look out for that soon as well.