images of a physical reality

In Malaysia, nude or semi-nude photography is considered a taboo or in some instances highly illegal depending on how you go about it and whether or not one is stupid enough to try and print them in shops. For obvious reasons, such form of photography is not condone as its considered as an act completely lacking in morals. But nudes is considered as an art if done in the right way. The difference is whether its done in a tasteful, trashy or porn-material manner. Nude photography’s main purpose is to depict the human form in all its glory to be appreciated and not lusted upon. Well, to me anyway. Thus, being the open-minded and not-so-common Malaysian that I am, and a group of other photographers had a nude (or semi-nude anyway, the guy was wearing a G-string) photography session in a burned down building in Dang Wangi. The whole session was his idea which was pretty gross at first when we thought about it but as we kept saying to ourselves, “We would do anything for art…”. Heh!

Doing a nude photography session is not as easy as one thinks as it requires much mental cracking to find a way to make the picture not appear like a picture right out of a porn magazine. The angles have to be different and the way the human body is to be portrayed is also different. Thankfully, we had a master there who guided us newer to the photography scene and I believe I have upped my photographic ability in one session. Although my pictures might not have come out picture perfect, the experience gained from it was invaluable to say the least. My many thanks goes out to the model who was a complete sport and succumbed to our requests for poses without a word of complaint. Pictures MIGHT be uploaded here soon as I took most of them in digital this time around. In the later part of the shoot, a female model of our community joined our session but this time is was of course not a nude session as she did not know most of us anyway. That shoot was much more standard but the master’s teachings came into play more as he was in familiar ground taking photos of girls. Needless to say, we all had great fun with the exception that the shoot sight was filled with bugs and trash.

Life has taken a new turn for me as I begin my new job this Monday at CHIP. Although its not a ‘great’ job per se, my job allows me to be involved in my one passion in life which is photography. Going to shoots makes me feel absolutely energetic and it brings a sense of joy whenever I’m using my equipment to create art. My current focus is to be Malaysia’s best photography editor and who knows? I might go even further than I could ever imagine if I tried hard enough. And if you know me well enough, I’m a dreamer who never gives up fighting for my dreams.

Recently, after going through much internal turmoil with myself, I finally can come to terms with my own life. I figured out the source of my issues and it all boils down to combining the heart and mind together and achieving a fused harmony between them. It also helps with a lot of choices in my life and now more than ever, I know what I want. Admittedly, I might feel a certain way on the inside, but acceptance on who I am and how I feel helps me to understand my own feelings better and thus carry out my life in the most positive of manner. Maybe I’m becoming more rational but my life is so confusing that rationality is needed in order for me to keep things running in a sane manner. But as things seem to perk up, there’s nothing I can’t achieve if I believe in it.

I’m getting very tired of being sick again. I really really wish that I can get over this nasal infection without having to worry that I’ll be sick again if I’m not careful. I want to be able to eat food without having to think that it might kill me in the long run. I want to be able to work without feeling like I’ll be sick from all the work. I miss chicken, beef, curry, lala, etc etc etc and I’m so sick and tired of being sick. I have a feeling that I’ll be falling sick again if I’m not careful today. FUCK! Please just give me a break already, I haven’t been getting the best of luck this year at all.

On the plus side, I’ve gotten the job at CHIP and from next month onwards, I’ll be the new Assistant Technical Editor for CHIP Photo Video. However, in spite of the new job, I’m quite dissatisfied with myself. Maybe I want to do too many things or I expect too much from myself. But I feel I want something more. Sigh, will need to sort out myself but I will give it my all in this job for sure.

Better go get some rest, I still need to work tomorrow. And to think, I only have RM6 left to survive the next day. I’m so screwed.

I’ve been hacking about the decisions of my life for too long that I’m beginning to annoy myself. I didn’t think it was actually possible but the day I start annoying myself, I KNOW that someday pigs might actually fly. By themselves. With their own wings. Ahem. Anyway, finally went for my first interview and I do believe I blew my trumpet a little bit too loud somewhat in the interview. But then again, I tend to say things which I deem inappopriate whenever someone annoys me. And if anyone dares to shortchange me, thats what they’ll get. I do hope to get this job because if I don’t, I guess I’ll be leaving for Japan in a short amount of time. Just can’t really see myself going there but its a challenge that I really do want to pick up.

I found it weird that the paths that I would walk either here in Malaysia or in Japan revolves around photography and surprisingly, children. In Malaysia, being a committee member of the Kids-Klick project, my main task besides promotions for them is actually to guide the children or be a mentor to them. And CHIP Magazine is of course directly related to my love of photography. If I end up in Japan, I’ll have all the time I could ever want to work on my photography and I’ll be an English teacher to little children. Hmm…never would expect this kind of situation for me after graduation but then life works in strange and mysterious ways I suppose.

Knowing my paths has helped me become more determined in everything that I am undertaking at this current moment in time. Stay and I’ll realise me dream of owning my own studio slash apartment within a year and a half the very most. Go and I’ll face all those kind of challenges that I know would spur me on the achieve greater things in life. I guess I’m never one to settle for an easier life I suppose.

Some people believe that they’ve ’seen it all’ in life because they did such and such. I’ve even known people to give others shit about it just because they felt that others have not ’seen enough’. I’ve always wondered, what the hell is wrong with these people?? Someone who’s seen enough in life knows that they do not know enough and would never give people shit about their lives. Thats just plain stupid. “Don’t be so immature la, why are you so naive”. I feel like an idiot just saying a line like that. Have you given anyone shit about their lives today? Or did you give advice like a friend or a loved one and supported them throughout their life instead?

Another thing I’ve realised for a long time is that a lot of Malaysian women are WAY too accepting when it comes to their men. I never ever want to debate with another woman about their self-worth and how they should not accept their man sleeping around with other women. No matter what people think, I would never believe that men have a justification to sleep with other women just because they’re a man. Heck, if they wanted to sleep around, they shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. And in this debate, I’m the man here telling a woman not to be so accepting and have some self-worth. Up till today, I can’t understand why women would do such a thing. If a girl ever dares to tell me that she can’t find another man, I would seriously pick up a shovel and start acting like Mr. Hyde. Ah well, this is just me rambling anyway. I should be getting back to work now as I have some articles left undone but I guess I’m just being lazy.

Its been awhile since my last post but I guess I have been too sick to actually think of what to post here. Imagine, its the first time that I’ve been sick for more than a month’s stretch. After seeing a doctor for the third time, the doctor said I had to be admitted into a ward immediately. However, the third time I visited a different doctor who didn’t even bother to realyl check on me properly. Thus, I had to be admitted to the freaking hospital in spite of my arguments.

To be fairly honest, I hate needles. Its not like I’m afraid of getting poked by a needle or anything. I didn’t have any problems or make a fuss when the doctor took some blood for a blood test. Its probably because when I was younger, it was so difficult to find my veins due to my REALLY skinny body. Just for a blood test, the doctor poked my like 9 bleeding times in 3 different locations before actually finding my vein. Thankfully, I have gained some weight over the years and the doctor managed to locate it at the first try.

I hate hospitals as well but for more reasons than one. Obviously, the needles irritate the hell out of me. But I always get this really uncomfortable feeling whenever I enter a hospital. I believe its the ’soul pressure’ I get from the wandering spirits there but I believe most people can relate to what I mean.

I’ve wondered whether or not my condition is caused by my emotional duress. Although I’ve been diagnosed with nasal infection, I doubt I would remain sick for so long if it wasn’t for my condition. Sigh, I guess I’m just being hard on myself. Oh well, I guess things will sort themselves out soon enough. For the time being, I need to focus on getting well. Its not good if I keep feeling like keeling over whenever I walk.

Since I got sick, the only thing I did was go through the entire second season of 24. I never really got around to watching it and finally I got the chance. Needless to say, I was glued to my laptop for most of the night. Kim Bauer is such a babe!

I’ve been sick for a month and I’m beginning to feel that its not because of my bad physical state. I started feeling really really weird ever since that day I went to visit my friend in University Hospital. Ever get the feeling like there was this strange and unusual aura surrounding you. I get these sensations every now and then but this time it was particularly strong. I won’t be surprised if it WAS what you’re thinking right now. I was all fidgety and uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was leave that place as quickly as I could. I once experienced this sensation and I had to put a good book by my bed to make this sensation go away. I also have a long history of sleepwalking but that is another story…

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I have been contemplating so much about my future that I finally realised the main problem that I was facing. I just did not want to do a sales or marketing job although I know its probably something that I’m best at doing. I really want to do something related to photography or my second choice would be something in broadcasting. But in order to pursue photography to the fullest in a lifestyle which would be comfortable for me, the easiest path would be to go to Japan. There, I’ll be able to work on my photographic creativity and at the same time achieve the financial goals that I have laid out for myself. But that would require leaving Malaysia for a long period of time and there are still matters holding me back. The centre in Japan is only recruiting in September and I’ll have to make a strong decision very soon. Staying here has its perks as well but honestly, they’re becoming scarce as the days go by. Maybe I’m stricken emotionally but then again, I’m only human.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint my capabilities but quite frankly, I’m too modest to say I’m good at anything. I’ll be thinking like I should be good at something then immediately contradict myself and thus I’m back to square one. I really wish that somehow I can be a really successful and respected photographer who can actually put food on the table comfortably but I’m sure that I have a long way to go before I can reach that level of talent. Who knows the opportunities that might unfold before us. Nobody said life would be easy. But to live a life to achieve something deemed so unattainable is something that has been within me all this while. To surpass the impossible and to create a dream. To build my own legacy. To create visual art for people to ponder and absorb into their very souls. To create an image that tells a story to anyone who gazes upon it. To relive those very moments as though one was there. For what is a memory if not remembered and reminisced upon. But its not easy reaching something as some of the greats have done. Most of the greats are only remembered and apprecaited after their deaths or even expire before they reach the so-called ability to capture the ultimate moment.

Some people say that photography requires not skill but heart to create the perfect image. I believe this is true in everything that we do. For something that is done without heart loses its humanity and thus the truth in the outcome can never be realised. In fact, the true great masters would realise that a flaw in an image actually makes an image complete for nothing is ever perfect and true perfection lies in the merest of flaws which makes an image as human as we are. For humans are flawed and through these flaws lies perfection within. To understand this flaw is to understand one’s own self and thus we’re one step closer to true perfection. Perfection in the human eye is superficial and more often than not subjective from one individual perspective to another. True perfection lies in one’s ability to absorb the perfect and imperfect qualities of matter and create something truly divine in spite of the existing imperfections. That is where true love takes place. Whether its love for something or love for another, the ability to see true perfection reveals true love to a person. For in this world, everything is flawed.

My body has finally reached its limit and I have to take a step back and admit that I’m unable to continue. I’m so sick that even holding the steering wheel this was an incredible chore and keeping focus on the road was a gigantic task. I’m not well. Finally I had to admit that I was not well and asked to take the weekend off. There’s only so much my body can take.

Its suck because I gotta miss a friend’s birthday tomorrow. Sigh, wish I could go for it as well but I do know that going out once with them is enough to prolong my sickness for another week. There’s so many things I want to do yet so little time to do all of them. Again, time is a factor which drives me to do too many things in short periods of time. As per the movie Initial D, “God is also a man. He’s just a man who could do things that a normal man couldn’t do”. Great movie, you should check it out. Don’t be too bummed out by the ending though because there’s a part 2 scheduled to be launched.

I’ve been reconsidering about going to Japan yet again. Somehow or another, I feel the change of environment might do me a lot of good. Maybe a year or two. Just to get some perspective in life. Although in doing so I might lose out any of the qualifications that my degree has brought to me over the years. Sigh, decisions decisions. But there’s nothing much to hold me down here anyway so its not such a bad move I guess. Just a few things which I still need sorting out. If things change over the course of the next 3 months, then I will make a decision for good. No matter what, if I were to go, it’ll surely be within this year.

Too sick too blog too long this time. Hopefully all those who are reading this would have a healthy year ahead of them. Don’t be like me, constantly sick and all that. Its been a month…