images of a physical reality

Some people have asked me over the course of my writings in my blog what was this Kids-Klick project which I am involved in all about. Without even blinking, I volunteered myself into the commitee which I am now part of their public relations effort heh!

The Kids-Klick project is somewhat like a community service where the founder actually wanted to take the photographic community’s talents and contribute something back towards society. Thus, the focus was on orphans and other similar unfortunate children in Malaysia. The project plans to bring us direct into the homes of these children and we basically teach them the basics of photography through a series of activities. The aim is to give them some fun as well as open up their minds to new ideas and maybe even new career opportunities as well. So far, the exact methods are somewhat undetermined but generally the idea is to focus on 2-4 homes throughout the course of one year where we’ll be having basic photography sessions, maybe a road trip or two in between and finally ending the year with a contest among the selected participants and an auction to sell their photos which will be donated to these orphanages. Thus, we will be needing a lot of support from those around and if you can think of anyone who would be interested in helping this project out, please do so as we are going to need sponsors and the likes for our activities. If you know anyone like a relative or a friend who would be interested, please do contact me alright? If you’re reading this, you basically know me and if you don’t contact me directly alright? Hope this helps.

I’ve been so busy over the last few weeks that I’ve barely managed to find time to sleep. I’ve been occupying my time working and seeking a more permanent job that I haven’t even checked my emails thus far. I miss the carefree days of before. Its not like I do not enjoy working because I do. The fact is that following my decision of being TOTALLY financially independent has begun taking its toll. A friend of mine told me that I was just unused to the situation which is why I am what I am now. I have new found respect for those who have managed to survive by themselves without any help or support from those around them. Currently, I’ve managed to pay for most of everything that relates to me except for my electricity and phone bills. But if I do not get a proper job soon, moving out is going to be harder that I thought.

It has taken me considerable effort over the past few days sorting out all the internal conflicts inflicting me at the moment. Although I might not say much lately, I admit that I’m moaning inside by myself. I think even the strongest of people go through this and I’m not sure how strong I am. One moment I’m fine and the next I’m all weird emotionally. I’ve begun to lose control of my anger and have subjected myself to the drink more often than not. Sigh, I’m not well.

I have to be strong even if I didn’t want to. In previous times, such combination of sad emotions and worldly stress would have caused me to break down and just relinquish my fate rather than fight it. But now the tables have turned and just giving in would not suffice as its a matter of survival now. Fall and everything around me would crumble. I know what my friend means when he says that he’s not sure he’s able to last sometimes. But I shall remain positive. In fact, I must.

My constant lack of time has made me miss my photography so much. Recently, I did a shoot for my friend’s wedding but the pictures came out much worst than I expected. I feel kind of bad as its their memories that I have been given the responsibility of. I realise now that its not easy being a wedding photographer and if I ever do it again, I must use the right equipment and work on my craft more. Not before. Thus, the struggle continues as I save money to purchase my D50 (which has finally been launched in Malaysia) as well as the other equipment that I need. And to do that, I need to get a job. God I really need some luck.

The desire to love has also caused me to extra duress but I guess that is understandable. Its almost impossible to meet the person whom you felt that you connected on a different plane of existence, whom you feel that you’ve known all your life and whom you feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with and after feeling all that, have to tell yourself that you don’t love her. And every friggin’ day I have to tell myself that I’m just infatuated with her and to tell myself that what I’m actually feeling is not the very feeling called love. But I guess life sucks in this manner. But I want her to be happy. I want her to have what she wants even if I don’t understand it very well. I want her life to be free of the problems that makes her feel that her life sucks. I want her to be happy with the person that she loves. I want her to get what she wants. I want her to be loved and have love whenever she needs it. I want her to be able to do the things she wants to and love without having the reality of life to ruin her disposition towards it. I want the world the be served to her on a silver platter. I want her life to be always filled with joy and laughter. I want her to never lose that sparkle in her eyes. I want her to be able to smile and laugh genuinely without ever having to lie to herself about how she feels. I want her to be rich without even trying. I want her to never have to be burdened financially, emotionally and spiritually. And…I want her to be a part of me. But if to forgo the last want would help her obtain even 1% of the rest, then that is what has to be done. Which is stupid because up to this point, I’m not even a factor and I’ve not even done very much. Everything has been felt all on my own and all I have done is love.

Everyday I put on a mask which shows a normal and sane me and that mask I shall forever keep. There’s no point putting on any other kind of face anyway as most of the time its a dark void that fills the depths of my soul at this point. And I don’t even know why. But keeping this face is better as nobody needs to see a depressed soul and I hate moaning. Writing in a blog helps as people can choose not to read it. I’m not even sure if the flow of my words make any sense to the common reader. For I have told no one as there is no need to burden others with my emotions. Men are as emotional as the female species but how we take it differs which is what sets us close and apart at the same time.

As such, I have reaffirmed my obligations to Kids-Klick by reaching out to unfortunate children and hopefully give them something which they can bring with their lives forever. A little effort that I bring may hopefully create a big impact for others in future. I can only do what I can which is why I live in the music and in the craft of the kind of art that I can materialize. Passion, drive and determination is what thats left within me. The fuel that drives me. For to give in to sorrow is to murder the man within me. And I have felt enough pain to last me an eternity. Let the scars be my teacher, my guide in this life that would offer me greater wisdom over others. I may not be gifted with love that I have sought for so long but then at least I survive. And the pressures of reality has caused surivival to be the foremost on my mind although the thoughts of love likes to come in and say hello every now and then.

Am I becoming a cynical creature? The desire to succumb to the darker paths of life has steadily increased as reality draws its ugly face closer. I have slowly but gradually changed that I understand a dog eat dog world even more than I like to admit it. It takes great effort to not lose who I am. Gratefully, I am still who I am and thats something that would never change… I hope.

Its tiring trying to do what I have been doing all this while. Supressing becomes difficult as irrationality tries to break free every now and then. I had hoped that I was over this but I guess I’m not. In fact, I’m far from over but there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks just trying to be sane when you feel like lashing out at the world whenever the irrationallity kicks in. But at least I am still the master of myself although I feel like an unhappy daimyo.

The weight has burdened me that I feel like I have to walk an extra mile just to cross an extra inch. Its like trying to swim across the ocean to go to KL. Its like me not even having the strength to be annoying to others. I need a good bonk over the head.

Works sucks but at least I have an interview next week. Get it and maybe things will pick up for me. I’m always walking the hard roads. Even though I know the pay sucks, I’m still doing it for the opportunities that it might bring me. Suffer first and reap the rewards later? It might be oh-so-easy to say but oh-so-difficult to carry out. Grrr…I’m just being a complaining git at the moment.

With no medium of expression, I still live within the music. I leave you with the lyrics from Guang Liang’s tragic number.
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Guang Liang - Thong Hwa

Wang le yau two chou
Chai mei tien tau ni
Tue wo shwo ni, chui ai de ku she
Wo shang le hen jio, wo kai she hwang le
She pu she wo yo jo chwo le sheh meh
Ni ku she tuei wo shwo
Thung hwa ni tou she pien yien de
Wo pu ke neng, sheng ni de wang che
Ye shi ni pu huei thong, chung ni shwo ai wo yi hou
Wo de tien khung, shing shing dou liang le

Wo yien pien chen, thung hwa li, ni ai de na ke tien sheng
Chen kai shwang shou pien chien she pang shou hu ni
Ni yau shang shing, shang shing wo men huei shang thong hwa ku she li
Shing fu he kuai le she jien chi

Ni ku she tuei wo shwo
Thung hwa ni tou she pien yien de
Wo pu ke neng, sheng ni de wang che
Ye shi ni pu huei thong, chung ni shwo ai wo yi hou
Wo de tien khung, shing shing dou liang le

Wo yien pien chen, thung hwa li, ni ai de na ke tien sheng
Chen kai shwang shou pien chien she pang shou hu ni
Ni yau shang shing, shang shing wo men huei shang thong hwa ku she li
Shing fu he kuai le she jien chi

Wo yau pien chen, thung hwa li, ni ai de na ke tien sheng
Chen kai shwang shou pien chien she pang shou hu ni
Ni yau shang shing, shang shing wo men huei shang thong hwa ku she li
Shing fu he kuai le she jien chi

Wo yien pien chen, thung hwa li, ni ai de na ke tien sheng
Chen kai shwang shou pien chien she pang shou hu ni
Ni yau shang shing, shang shing wo men huei shang thong hwa ku she li
Shing fu he kuai le she jien chi

Ii chi shie wo men de tie chu

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine and I always wonder why all the fantastic women in this world always seem to end up with jerks. Its like, they can get so much more but they choose to live with someone who not only does not care much for them, but also treats them like dirt at times. And when I ask her, “Why on bloody earth are you still with this guy?” and all she could tell me was that she didn’t know. She’s just choosing to ignore the problem until finally it explodes in her face and she would be the only one hurting in the end. Sigh, I feel for her but I guess its her choice at the end of the day. As a friend, we can only support the decisions that they have made after we have voiced out our opinions.

Again, I choose to try and remain positive that her situation may change into something much more incredible for her. I know of others as well who is going through similar situations and I only hope that things work out for them as well. Me and another friend of mine have been seriously wondering why we never seem to get these kind of girls. We know we would do our best to treat them right and all that but girls will usually choose the guys that won’t. Hmm… I guess I’m being bias though because all I see thus far is situations like these but there’s always exceptions. Urk, again, I am rambling.

Work is about to start again tomorrow. I really do need a new job. Its not that I don’t like cameras but my current situation where I want to fully fund myself is beginning to take its toll on me. I’ve applied for one job so far which I really want and hopefully I am able to get it. Being a promotions assistant might not be much but I do believe it will open up much more greater opportunities for me. I might even consider applying for EMI as well as they seem to have openings currently. Crossing my fingers and all that. Starting from next month, EVERYTHING will be self-funded. Maybe my parents would cover the cost of my car loan for a bit but my phone bill, meals, petrol, car maintenence, personal care items, etc will all be covered on my own. I’m beginning to feel scared already.

I did some wedding photography for my friend’s wedding last sunday. Haven’t seen the results yet but I have gained a new found respect for wedding photographers. In spite of what people might think, although they’re expensive as hell, but a good wedding photographer is worth every penny. I am considering getting into it as a part-time thing which also gives me an opportunity to improve my photography as well. But I’m gonna need some extra gear if I wanna do this which is going to cost me, to say the least. I guess everything needs some investment into it and I shall see if I am able to do this well or not. Wedding photography is actually very interesting as you have to be able to capture the essence and spirit of the wedding for people to rememeber that moment forever. I pray that I have done a good job for my friend as he couldn’t afford to hire a proper photographer and I was the only one he knew who used SLRs exclusively. It was nice of him as I was doing it for free for him as a favor but he insisted on giving me some money in spite of my constant refusals. Its nice to be appreciated I guess.

Its nice to see that my blog reaches out to some people. I guess it can get pretty boring reading my rants and raves at times but I secretly do hope that people feel otherwise about my remarks. I’m not very used to expressing my thoughts without any visual elements as its difficult to portray one’s true emotions just by words. Thats the difference between gifted writers and the common person. I wonder where I lie though hmmm…

People have very different takes on life. This is usually due to our situation in life more than anything else. For most people, our perspective changes when we’re put in different states in life. And, our positivity or negativity would also help to channel the flow into different directions depending on which that we follow.

Everyone has experienced a positive and a negative thought in their life. No one can be ONLY positive or negative but we tend to be dominated by one side most of the time. However, I tend to see more people on the negative side. After some critical thinking in my head, I began to realise why people were usually more negative. Its because…being negative is easy. Its easy to not do something and say that you can’t do it rather than actually trying to do it. Its easy to bitch and moan about how the whole world is against you rather than doing something about your problems. Its easy to hate your looks instead of focusing on improving it and looking at your other strengths. Being positive requires effort which most people prefer not to do. Which is probably why being a nice guy in life is also a little bit more difficult.

What my point? I’m not entirely sure but then again I’m always rambling to myself. I guess I wish that there were more positive thinkers out there. Most people I meet are not very happy in their position with life. Hopefully it will change as time goes by. But I don’t think that there would be any drastic change anyway. I kind of realised that long distance relationships can only work really well if there was positivity in mind. If one was positive about a relationship, no matter how far one is, there is always hope and love will remain and might even grow. Whereas if one is negative, its easy to just give up and hop over to the next best thing. For all my friends who is currently undergoing a long distance relationship, if its worth it, do remain positive and everything will go well for you. You know who you are.

Right now, in my point in life, my career is of upmost importance and I shall struggle through this challenge but I’m positive that I will be able to make it regardless of the obstacles that would face me. I hope that whatever you’re going through at this moment, you will be able to be strong and go through with it. And live life to the fullest. We only live once and we should always want the best for ourselves. Never go for second best unless you really don’t have a choice. And all that jazz.

Weirdly enough, I’ve managed to win the battle between mind and soul. Ultimately, the mind won which is a good thing as I now do not feel burdened by my overwhelming emotions. In fact, I can finally think of things positively again and work towards my future once more. For a moment, I came to a standstill which didn’t do me any good throughout the weeks. Rest assured, more than ever, I know what I want.

I have two things to thank for being able to overcome this ordeal. First and foremost is definitely my friends. In this case, the biggest help came from Ady which surprised me because she was one of the last of those whom I would tell that I actually told and talking to her made me see it all clearer. Maybe its because I hardly get to see her much and when we talk, we talk about everything which puts things in perspective. And the one thing which I didn’t do was admit at the flaws of my emotions. When I finally admitted it, I finally realise the best solution to my problems and it was all so simple. Instead of fighting it so hard and eventually not get what I want, I should have just accepted it and had an easier life. Thankfully, I’m there now and what won’t kill you can only make you stronger.

The second thing I have to thank is actually music. They say that music is the key to a person’s soul and I believe that for a fact. More than that, I feel it strongly. I recently listened to Guang Liang’s Thong Hua which is probably one of the most beautiful song I have heard in years. Without understanding a single word he was saying, I could feel the raw emotion from the music. It even brought me close to tears which is amazing to say the least. Maybe watching the video had a lot to do with it but man it is an incredible song. Thumbs up to the Malaysian thats for sure. Somehow, that song moved me in a sad and positive way at the same time which is a feeling I can’t really begin to explain. Maybe its my current state in time but hardly ever does a song move me so. That is the true power of the influence of music. And I didn’t even need to understand the words to understand the emotion which I believe most people can relate to.

One thing for sure, it has made me feel that its better to have loved than to never have loved at all. No matter how short the moment or how unlucky the end, the feel such true and honest emotion is something that no amount of money in this world can purchase. At least, you know what its like to love unconditionally. It might not be right, it might not even be healthy. But the sensations and the emotions are definitely worth experiencing once in your life no matter how short a time. I finally realise why people say that phrase now. I understand completely. Its the greatest and the worst feeling in the world all wrapped into one little package. Some people might not be strong enough to face it and would rather have never felt it for fear of being depressed and dejected. For me, I will always face my fears head on whenever I can even if it hurts which is why I always believe to be told the truth than to be lied to forever. It might hurt but what won’t kill you can only make you stronger. You just have to believe and keep on trying no matter how bad the situation is. Admittedly, I very nearly succumbed from this as I felt closest to the pits of hell. But somehow, with some help along the way, I came out unscathed. And the knowledge it brings you is timeless and priceless.

I like to thank God for still keeping me within his/her good graces and giving me the strength to walk a road that I haven’t travelled before. When miracles happen, you know that God still has you in his/her heart. One just has to keep the faith and never stop believing. When you believe then hope will forever be in existence. And in life, all you need is hope.

The strain of the past 2 weeks has really taken its toll on my physical state of being that I realise today that I have to slow down. The constant desire to seek out distractions have made me forget to take care of myself a little bit. Have to make a more conscious effort here onwards or I’ll never get well at this rate.

Its sometimes funny to think about why a person would do the things they do. Its the strange things men do which makes them childish even when they’re 40. When it comes to love and relationships, all men are immature and do crazy irrational things which not only does not make sense but ultimately might even cause physical harm unto themselves. This whole irrationality part always makes men say the magical words ‘I don’t know’ whenever asked about their reasons of sheer stupidity.

I guess when men have fallen deeply and madly in love, they tend to lose all sense of rationaliy due to their strong emotions of desire. Women fare better in this aspect as they seem more calm and composed whenever they’re in such of a situation. But then again, there are always exceptions to everything. I blame it on a man’s animal cavemen-like instincts where everything used to be so simple. In the past, all man had to do was bonk their desired mate over the head and drag them back to their cave. Or was it the other way round hmm…

The really wise realises that they do not know enough. I’m not sure if it makes me wise though but everytime I try to understand even myself, the more confused I get. I can’t seem the fathom my actions neither can I put into words the reasons for my actions. The only thing I could do now anyway is deny, deny and deny even to myself. It stands to reason that denying at this point would do more good than harm at this current point in time. Irrespective of the personal damages that might be incurred.

To focus on the task at hand is usually pretty difficult especially if there are various different motivators affecting our train of thought. To achieve the impossible one has to be strong enough to face the impossible challenges. To gain opportunities is to make the impossible sacrifices at times. But never forget to look around and notice the opportunities which seem to just lie around but we fail to see it for being blinded by our current position in time.

I also realise that most people don’t even understand what I’m usually rambling about whenever they read my blog. To read only makes up half the story, to know is to gain knowledge from the source. Sometimes I think that people would get bored reading my blog as I’m always rambling and mumbling without any specific reason but the whole purpose of my blog is to make the reader think and ponder about the messages that I try to bring and at the same time express myself in an irritating manner. Those who know doesn’t even read my blog and does who don’t can’t understand my blog. Right now, I don’t even understand me. I think my high fever is getting to me again.

A realization hit me today that I only blog about depressing stuff over the last few days. Thus I have decided to start a mini-series of sorts describing the general characteristics of men. Of course, there is always an exception to my thoughts but I can safely say that for the most part, my comments are more or less accurate. My first part would be regarding how men deal with their anger or sadness.

Men are like animals when it comes to their emotions. Strangely enough, a man’s anger coincides with their sadness as well. Men can get pretty angry when they’re sad and vice versa. Why does this situation exist? Its strange but men at times look for a distraction whenever they feel sad about something and thus leads to anger as their thoughts begin to overflow within their mind. Anger turning into sadness generally does not happen all that often but I have heard of some who are like that. This is generally the minority. Mainly, the former happens more often.

Whenever a guy is in a state of anger, a destructive desire would build up within them. Thus they become mentally destructive thinking of various ways to express their anger or sadness through violence. Even a pacifict would have images of slamming a guy’s face through a window or something of that sort when they’re absolutely pissed. I believe most men have been their before. Even if they don’t have anyone to be angry at, they might think of someone they actually despise and generate those images within his head. If a guy is jealous about another guy, then the mentally mutilated person would be that guy. This image in the head is fairly common which seems like the devil speaking within our heads at certain times.

Some guys would actually be destructive in real life as well which explains all the door slamming, breaking of personal property (and at times, others as well) and mindless screaming at others. Once, not too long ago, I even broke my glasses out of sheer anger by grabbing it in my fist and smashing it against my ex-girlfriend’s gate. Bashing my hand really hard against a brick wall was also fairly common. Yes, it does hurt whenever I do it and boy do I always regret it afterwards. Generally, we know its stupid but our anger gets the better of us and we kind of lose our head. I even tore my shirt up into two pieces which was also incredibly stupid. I bet I’m not winning any awards now. FYI, I seldom lose it that bad but I have reached my limits many times with my ex but that is a different story.

Another type which usually is done hand in hand with the others is self-mutilation or destruction. Usually this is done when a guy wants to keep his feelings inside and finds no medium to express his anger or heartache. Thus, smoking and bashing walls at home are some of the methods of doing this. There may be others but I can’t really comment on them as each has their own method of self-mutilation. Me? I do the smoking thing which is not doing me any good because I’m supposed to be an ex-smoker and it hurts me lungs everytime I smoke a large pack continously all of a sudden. Luckily for me, I stop immediately after I gain composure of myself but more or less the damage is done. A quiet environment is usually the preferred choice whenever a person is within this state.

The fourth would be the moaner. Generally, these guys would go on and on moaning and complaining to their friends about what made them angry or sad. Some purposely go drinking so they can moan and complain with an excuse that they are drunk. These guys would usually call their friends out constantly for drinking or ‘yam cha’ sessions during this phase. Personally don’t do this much but most guys generally do this at some level. Just the degree of it is different.

The last type I can think of is those who find things to preoccupy their mind. Thus, they would seek out as much entertainment or even excruiciating exercise just to not think about their problems. They might even seem much more hyper or happier in order to get their mind of things. More often than not, when in this state, they’ll do crazy stuff which they’ll probably never do when in the right frame of mind and most probably will also regret those actions. Worst case scenario when a guy is in this position: Sleeping with another girl. Whats even worst? Sleeping with a very good friend of hers. The killer? That girl is your loved one’s best friend/sister/cousin/mother/anybody else directly related. Recommendation to men. Do NOT under any circumstances walk down this road if you can help it. You WILL live to regret it because God is not very nice to cheating bastards.

Generally, most men would do one or a combination of these few methods depending on their character. I blame the animal instinct that God has imbued within us but basically, we become savage animals whenever we’re in this state. Its somehow strange when sadness can lead to anger but when you think about it rationally, its not that strange at all. I genuinely believe that men prefer to be pissed rather than sad which explains this transition. Of course, the sadness will always kick in which goes on in a cycle until the problem is resolved or the person gets over the feeling. The more composed and probably mature of men has a higher level of self-control but are still subject to these methods when pushed too far. I may have left out something or be wrong at some point but as I said, there’s always an exception even when it comes to absolute truths. You be the judge and feel free to bombard.

I’m grateful that I’m forever optimistic no matter how things can turn out in life. Life is too short to be depressed. Confusion always exists when one is unsure of what action to take. Sometimes we may not like the choices that we make but its these kind of sacrifices that make us a better person someday. Its nice to know that there are people around me who care so much for my well being. Again, I’m always grateful for every true friend that I get. As we get older, its harder to keep the friends that we have found throughout our years. For some, they have it easy getting almost everything they want while for others, a great deal of time and effort has to take place for friendships to last forever.

I took the time today after work and went for a drive alone in KL after work. I needed to recollect and to think rationally before I acted on an irrational and emotional impulse which would do me no good no matter how I thought about it. My thinking even got me very much lost in KL where I promptly ended up in Duta Hills or something but thankfully managed to reach back safely to my abode. And what was the outcome? Well, for starters, I have finally nailed the exact emotions which was causing me to behave they way I did. Subconsciously, I was rushing for time. Time has become such an issue with me that I keep feeling that there is no time like the present. But today I realise that time has to be given out first before any kind of ‘positive’ time can be returned back to me. I have to regain patience as the sheer lack of it will cloud my mind and make me behave in a manner which is definitely not me. And the last thing I want to be is not myself. The second thing I realise is that I have to sacrifice a few things in order to stand a fighting chance at beating my own inner demons. Up until this point, I never realise what I needed to give in order to even remotely have a chance to receive. I was suffering emotionally because I wasn’t willing to walk a road less travelled, especially by me. But, nothing comes without effort especially not something as important as this in my life.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I feel the way I do? Why do I not behave as I usually think I should but rather behave in a way which even I can admit is stupid and foolish. I guess it takes one to be strong to force oneself to carry out a task which normally would not be deemed possible. Even if the common thought is utter failure, to carry out the task in spite of these thoughts require more determination and strength. I was never a quitter and I’m not about to begin now.

Ultimately, I decided that patience is a virtue that even some of the greatest of men did not have which ultimately led to their demise. I may not be a great man but neither do I want to walk gladly to my demise. My thought is that this would be beneficial to all parties involved as things are not always under our control. I make an amendment to the last post as I also realise that there is a right time for everything as well. When the wrong time appears before us, there is a right time for out actions in order to balance out this phenomena. Yin Yang, the ‘Balance’, scales of neutrality, etc. When the scales tip against our favor, precise timing is required in order to tip it back in a favourable position. The beauty about this aspect is that the right time comes naturally and we will know when the right time is when it appears. I’m sure more most people have felt this feeling at least once in their life so far where they just know its right that something is supposed to happen at that very moment. Fate? Or destiny? Me? I prefer to call it faith which I believe we all must have at some point in our lives. Add a dash of hope and I believe miracles would happen.

Time is always highly debatable. More often than not, we all consider time as a linear experience moving forward to the future. While at the same time, time is the future or an event waiting to happen which more often than not, is a life changing experience.

I’ve always wondered whether it was the right time for me. Would I go back and change anything? No. Do I wish it never happened? No. And all for that single extra moment which I absorb like its the only breath of air I can get. Life loses all substance or meaning as I hang on to a single moment in time relishing the short-term joy that it brings. But thats just it. Short-term when the mind, body and soul desires a much more longer time than just a breath of fresh air. But apparently things aren’t as simple as one may take it to be.

I can’t help but feel at times that we’re all chess pieces in an intergalactic game where these immense cyber beings deal out trump cards and sudden death moves to give the game some variety. And I get the distinct feeling that my player made a bad move which was followed up by a trump card by the opponent. I don’t think I’m being very optimistic about my life at the current moment in time.

After much pondering, I begin to realise the absolute importance of these ‘events’ or ‘time’. There is never a right time because the right time is when we ourselves want it to happen at a specific moment. However, if time worked that way, there wouldn’t be any point of living anymore because everything happens when it should and thus life wouldn’t be worth living anymore as everything is predictable. These special unexpected moments are what makes things different and special and at times even magical. Not to mention downright painful, excruciating and even to the bring of insanity. And our humanity gives it a huge twist as the sheer unpredictability of humans will cause a million and one different outcomes which no being in this side of the galaxy can ever determine which makes each and every one of us unique. And, for those playing with our lives up above, much more fun and interesting.

I want things to happen to me at the right time when I can make full use of any opportunities around me but that would be just too easy. Nothing would ever be worth it if it was almost given to you on a silver platter. And I’m sure, God has definitely chose to make it as hard as possible for me. Because this is it. This has been the moment that I have been waiting for all my life. Sometimes you have this feeling that you knrw even before you met. Like you knew all your life. Like this was the one moment all your previous experiences were preparing you for. Now its a question of whether or not I can take all the pain that comes along with it and even utter devestation which will pretty much diminish my soul. But I know for a fact, its a risk that I’m willing to take because I’ve known all my life that it would be worth it. Life would be meaningless and empty if I didn’t take a step of faith and believed in what I believed in.

Courage is always about taking a step forward in spite of being afraid as you know its something you have to do. And to not walk the irrational path is to walk away with regret, remorse and worst, resentment towards myself for I walked away in shame when I was too afraid to face the truth. I grew up believing that I could face my own worst fears as the one thing I never wanted to feel was being lied to, especially by my own self. But sometimes you have to wonder if its really that easy. Saying it is one thing but carrying it out seems like a life burden.

Will have to begin thinking rationally again if not I’ll begin to hurt myself physically and thats not good. I’m not in great shape at the current moment in time. But I think my mind is much worst off at the current moment in time. I want freedom. I want to be free to think, act and feel the way I want to instead of lying to myself each and every time I’m put in the spot. My vision is fuzzy and my head hurts. My heart, bleeding.

I’m hoping my player will now throw me a lifeline and help to ease my burden. Joe’s songs are really beginning to get into me bad. I shall now contemplate sleep.